it lasted slightly more than an hour..
i blurted out wat i wanted to say and they did asked things that i've expected they would..
i did it!
i talked to my parents about jazmi
nevermind wat we talked about.. the conclusion is they're ok about it.. something that i've somehow anticipated.. they understand my situation now.. they know that i'm not ultimately waiting by the hour for him to marry me..life goes on.. towards a goal.. with an understanding that it might not materialise..
the final words mama said was.. kalau nak kawan.. kawanla dulu.. i think i know wat she meant by 'kawan' here
and papa just conclude by saying that i'm too young to marry anyway.. look who's talking now! (he said he was just kidding all these while.. yes all those rubbing in.. heh!) papa even offered to help jazmi through with his application to open uni malaysia..
and mama said he is easy to relate to despite his education background (sorry if the generalisation offended anyone)
i called jazmi immediately, told him everything..
he was in fraser's hill then.. with bunch of frens, trying to have fun..
he cried listening to me.. this is the second time i heard his 'tears of joy'..
maybe one day i should witness it with my very eyes..
i dont want to sound too phony.. but then today, life is simply beautiful..
woke (or woken up) early with the whole family on my bed.. was cuddling to mama besides me.. papa drew the curtain and sat at ny desk..
"ok, today sapa nak ikut gi megamall??"
ehehe.. yeah ALL of us are going this time..
and we're gonna catch this movie..Laila Isabella.. an attempt to support the local film industry.. we'll see how it turns out..
now i feel like i'm living a drama.. u know perks n peaks.. and they-live-happily-ever-after thing.. a hindustan drama to be specific.. eheh.. dont u think? but of course, i cant say i'm 'living happily ever after' now.. the cycle will go on.. maybe on other matters.. i hope
i am simply ecstatic!
Sunday, March 30, 2003
Friday, March 28, 2003
big news today, renong's final restructuring plan revealed.. cause quite a stir in the office this morning.. since most of my colleagues are avid share investors.. exchanges of views and forecast was heard everywhere in this building..
will i be affected, i dont know... i wish, to a certain level, i would be.. but now, i just dont know..
maybe life has been too monotonous for me lately, even my problems bore me now.. i think even bad news will give me sheer delight.. hmm.. ish..
speaking of which.. i talked to jazmi about everything... yes, it's beginning to be a ritual these days huh? believe me, it's not something i enjoy..
so we sat, equipped with an excel file outlaying all our expenses and income.. we plan things and concluded that it is NOT going to happen soon.. that is if it were to ever happen..
ok.. surprisingly, i was ok about it.. so we moved on to the next issue.. my parents
i have realised that talking about them, of their expectations and assumptions.. their worries, wont get me anywhere..
so i decided to confront them on this issue..
they are my parents, i know wat they're like... afterall it's not a war against them.. never
i want to resolve thing.. i want to sit comfortably knowing that either they're ok about me-jazmi even if i can only marry him in 200*..or they're happy that i am no more with him and continuing my life and probably meet a better suited person
i know i'm selfish..
so over this weekend... i'll be having butterfly in my stomach, unless n untill i sit down with them.. talking this out..
i want mama to know that she can share her feelings with me, she doesnt have to talk to my brothers about it.. cos the subject matter here is really me
i want her to tell me wat she wants.. wat she expects
if she expects me to make my own decision and she wont force me into anything.. i wanna tell her i have made my decision..
and my decision would be staying with him.. but i would want her blessing in this..
if she say she it's hard for her.. it's not going to be easy.. then i think i have to break jazmi's heart.. mine too..
i want something firm this time..
i dont want to loose sleep no more..
either way, i'll break someone's heart.. there's no way i can reach a win-win situation.. no way
i want her to know that i'm not blindly in love with him, that i have considered all the dollars n cents.. and everything else..
i will tell her that i understand that maybe i wont ultimately end up with him anyhow... but at least, let that be God's act..
i want to tell her that i'm not the kind that would die for love... so let's talk it out... i'm still rational..
hmm..
now i dont know wat to say already
wish me luck
have a good weekend
will i be affected, i dont know... i wish, to a certain level, i would be.. but now, i just dont know..
maybe life has been too monotonous for me lately, even my problems bore me now.. i think even bad news will give me sheer delight.. hmm.. ish..
speaking of which.. i talked to jazmi about everything... yes, it's beginning to be a ritual these days huh? believe me, it's not something i enjoy..
so we sat, equipped with an excel file outlaying all our expenses and income.. we plan things and concluded that it is NOT going to happen soon.. that is if it were to ever happen..
ok.. surprisingly, i was ok about it.. so we moved on to the next issue.. my parents
i have realised that talking about them, of their expectations and assumptions.. their worries, wont get me anywhere..
so i decided to confront them on this issue..
they are my parents, i know wat they're like... afterall it's not a war against them.. never
i want to resolve thing.. i want to sit comfortably knowing that either they're ok about me-jazmi even if i can only marry him in 200*..or they're happy that i am no more with him and continuing my life and probably meet a better suited person
i know i'm selfish..
so over this weekend... i'll be having butterfly in my stomach, unless n untill i sit down with them.. talking this out..
i want mama to know that she can share her feelings with me, she doesnt have to talk to my brothers about it.. cos the subject matter here is really me
i want her to tell me wat she wants.. wat she expects
if she expects me to make my own decision and she wont force me into anything.. i wanna tell her i have made my decision..
and my decision would be staying with him.. but i would want her blessing in this..
if she say she it's hard for her.. it's not going to be easy.. then i think i have to break jazmi's heart.. mine too..
i want something firm this time..
i dont want to loose sleep no more..
either way, i'll break someone's heart.. there's no way i can reach a win-win situation.. no way
i want her to know that i'm not blindly in love with him, that i have considered all the dollars n cents.. and everything else..
i will tell her that i understand that maybe i wont ultimately end up with him anyhow... but at least, let that be God's act..
i want to tell her that i'm not the kind that would die for love... so let's talk it out... i'm still rational..
hmm..
now i dont know wat to say already
wish me luck
have a good weekend
Thursday, March 27, 2003
i feel better now...
had terrible nite last nite... no, dinner was fine, went to hartamas with hetz n jazlan n jazmi..
but i learnt that mama too.. have been aware about this blog..
at the moment i still dont know wat to do about this.. set this blog to private mode? or simply stop blogging..
by the look of things.. this may be the last entry.. but then again.. maybe not
basically mama has nothing much to say about this blog.. or maybe she has not said much yet..
yeh casually break the news to me, in front of mama, during dinner..
and all she did was smile and laugh.. she even describe how she found out about this.. frankly.. i'm not mad at cho for telling her.. plus the way he mentioned it was more of conveying wat i've been meaning to tell mama.. i know this would happen one day.. but i didnt do anything about it.. maybe suconciously i do want mama to read this shit.. wat better way of revealing my innermost feelings kan..
and i dont think the act of reading my blog is an abuse of my privacy.. it's here on the web.. everyone has the right to access it.. never thought it would be mama..
so all went well..
on the surface.. she didnt say anything.. or imply anything, or act differently..
but i gathered from yeh that she didnt take this lightly either..
i poured everything out to win last night.. between trying to picture the whole story to win and holding back my tears.. i feel the magnitude of this whole thing growing.. maybe i'm not making things up.. maybe it is major..
win offered.. no, win insisted to talk to jazmi.. which i think is a terribly bad idea..
jazmi is not keen on it either (duhh!!!)
i think if i may note.. we fight last night.. first time kot.. i forced myself to sleep while he was still on the phone.. silly me..
woke up feeling even more terrible.. so i called him up..
i was feverish.. tired.. worn out.. sleepy.. troubled.. migraine.. u name it
so the usual good morning call wasnt all that nice this morning.. there were no 'bye' to end the conversation... it was a short ok and a click.. i stayed online alone for 5 minutes or so.. not believing that we have reached this level.. (this sounds funny kan? ehehee)
i was suppose to sms him.. but i didnt..
but he called just to check on me.. sihat? sihat.. keje? ha'ah.. ok..ok
where am i going with all this..
now i kinda regret i told win about it.. somehow i think he's too biased to listen to this problem of mine.. dont get me wrong, he is a good listener, has always been.he will only speak up when i need him to.. but this time..i can feel his urge to take things in his hands.. which i'll disallow
the way jazmi see it, is a whole different thing.. win wants to show that he could do better.. than he is a better suited person for me, like always.. and maybe the talk would just convince him of how right he (win) was for me.. 'i know her better so u better not mess with her' kind of thing..
it almost like saying 'u're not good enuff for her, but if u still want to be with her this is wat u should do...
that's wat he thinks...
honestly, i'm getting bored with all these stuff..
it's hard work..mentally, emotionally.. hard work to nowhere..
i'm beginning to think i'm in this alone..
jazmi, if u're reading this i'm sorry
i dont want to think anymore..
i dont want to tell another person about it anymore..
i dont want to discuss anymore..
i dont want to relate every single happening in my life to this problem now.. send zetty to school..i wish she would grow up n lead an easy n happy life..hmm.. saw cars on the road.. y millions are owning cars and he makes it so difficult when i know it's financially viable for him.. listening to my collegue talking about property investment, share trades.. i wish i could focus more of my mind and financial to such stuff rather than 'marry jazmi, quick'.. listening to mama grumbles about yeh's degree.. i hope jazmi's application for part time degree will be accepted this time.. i saw papa saying his prayers this morning.. i bet he's praying for my well being.. i saw mama staring blankly at her praying mat.. i know i'm on her mind.. listening to the murmur of their voices at night.. they must be discussing about my future.. if not the rest..
can i just live and not think
how long can i last?
but .. just living, typing these lines without thinking now.. i feel better already
i know i'm not that kind .. in a few minutes i'll start thinking aimlessly again.. then the cycle goes on..
i think hetz n i used to ask ourself silly2 pointless question
i have an answer to one now..
will u ever get depress in a good relationship.. not stress, but depress.. YES.
had terrible nite last nite... no, dinner was fine, went to hartamas with hetz n jazlan n jazmi..
but i learnt that mama too.. have been aware about this blog..
at the moment i still dont know wat to do about this.. set this blog to private mode? or simply stop blogging..
by the look of things.. this may be the last entry.. but then again.. maybe not
basically mama has nothing much to say about this blog.. or maybe she has not said much yet..
yeh casually break the news to me, in front of mama, during dinner..
and all she did was smile and laugh.. she even describe how she found out about this.. frankly.. i'm not mad at cho for telling her.. plus the way he mentioned it was more of conveying wat i've been meaning to tell mama.. i know this would happen one day.. but i didnt do anything about it.. maybe suconciously i do want mama to read this shit.. wat better way of revealing my innermost feelings kan..
and i dont think the act of reading my blog is an abuse of my privacy.. it's here on the web.. everyone has the right to access it.. never thought it would be mama..
so all went well..
on the surface.. she didnt say anything.. or imply anything, or act differently..
but i gathered from yeh that she didnt take this lightly either..
i poured everything out to win last night.. between trying to picture the whole story to win and holding back my tears.. i feel the magnitude of this whole thing growing.. maybe i'm not making things up.. maybe it is major..
win offered.. no, win insisted to talk to jazmi.. which i think is a terribly bad idea..
jazmi is not keen on it either (duhh!!!)
i think if i may note.. we fight last night.. first time kot.. i forced myself to sleep while he was still on the phone.. silly me..
woke up feeling even more terrible.. so i called him up..
i was feverish.. tired.. worn out.. sleepy.. troubled.. migraine.. u name it
so the usual good morning call wasnt all that nice this morning.. there were no 'bye' to end the conversation... it was a short ok and a click.. i stayed online alone for 5 minutes or so.. not believing that we have reached this level.. (this sounds funny kan? ehehee)
i was suppose to sms him.. but i didnt..
but he called just to check on me.. sihat? sihat.. keje? ha'ah.. ok..ok
where am i going with all this..
now i kinda regret i told win about it.. somehow i think he's too biased to listen to this problem of mine.. dont get me wrong, he is a good listener, has always been.he will only speak up when i need him to.. but this time..i can feel his urge to take things in his hands.. which i'll disallow
the way jazmi see it, is a whole different thing.. win wants to show that he could do better.. than he is a better suited person for me, like always.. and maybe the talk would just convince him of how right he (win) was for me.. 'i know her better so u better not mess with her' kind of thing..
it almost like saying 'u're not good enuff for her, but if u still want to be with her this is wat u should do...
that's wat he thinks...
honestly, i'm getting bored with all these stuff..
it's hard work..mentally, emotionally.. hard work to nowhere..
i'm beginning to think i'm in this alone..
jazmi, if u're reading this i'm sorry
i dont want to think anymore..
i dont want to tell another person about it anymore..
i dont want to discuss anymore..
i dont want to relate every single happening in my life to this problem now.. send zetty to school..i wish she would grow up n lead an easy n happy life..hmm.. saw cars on the road.. y millions are owning cars and he makes it so difficult when i know it's financially viable for him.. listening to my collegue talking about property investment, share trades.. i wish i could focus more of my mind and financial to such stuff rather than 'marry jazmi, quick'.. listening to mama grumbles about yeh's degree.. i hope jazmi's application for part time degree will be accepted this time.. i saw papa saying his prayers this morning.. i bet he's praying for my well being.. i saw mama staring blankly at her praying mat.. i know i'm on her mind.. listening to the murmur of their voices at night.. they must be discussing about my future.. if not the rest..
can i just live and not think
how long can i last?
but .. just living, typing these lines without thinking now.. i feel better already
i know i'm not that kind .. in a few minutes i'll start thinking aimlessly again.. then the cycle goes on..
i think hetz n i used to ask ourself silly2 pointless question
i have an answer to one now..
will u ever get depress in a good relationship.. not stress, but depress.. YES.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
as anticipated, i had a very good nite last nite.. went out for a good dinner.. with good campanions.. and came back at a reasonably good time.. which conclude the evening as something more than just 'good'...
above all, i had the deepest..most satisfying sleep ever! the last time i had such slumber was ......i cant remember..
i practically woke up smiling..
how do u go about telling your parents that u wanna get married.... dont worry.. it's nowhere soon..
maybe it's one of life's little mysteries.. which vary from person to person.. or is it?
being the eldest in the family is never an advantage in this sense... plus having cousins who marry their first love.. after few months of courting does not really give me much hint. and their guys are mostly too (financially) prepared too..
so, i'm the odd one out.. well beside that one cousin who married a chinese.. which cause quite a stir in her family - not that inter-racial marriage is not common in my family.. but there u go.. i think no parents would jump in joy hearing this sort of news, at least not at first.
(no offence to anyone.. any race)
so i'm the odd one out.. besides her.. but she gets 5000pound sterling for her mas kawin.. and that was few yrs back.. when the exchange rate has already blown out to our disadvantage... and the guy's neuro surgeon.. care to complain??
so i'm the odd one out.. and most of my cousins are getting married, married or even pregnant at this age of mine.. well except for this one.. but i wont count that.. she was an outcast (or maybe she outcasted herself) the moment she reach 25 and still single..
dont tell there's something wrong with my family.. we're all normal ppl.. normal ppl who marry early..
so u see the kind of pressure i'm in now..
papa has stopped bugging me about this kawin2 stuff.. maybe he's aware that if he keeps bugging me than maybe i' could drag jazmi to his face and ask him to marry us there n then.. err.. ying, that's too harsh.. ehehe
but that's the truth.. they kept silent about it because they know i've plans on my own and they're too terrified to listen to it..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if this guy posses a degree and earn more than i do..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if he is just anyone but jazmi..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if this guy is anyone but still NOT shah..
i dunno wat kept them silent..
all i know i'm getting frowns everytime i announce that i'm going out.. everytime my handphone rings..they'll tail my movements..
i know i'm still far from being comfy about me-jazmi around my parents.. especially my dad..
sometimes i ask myself.. y do i have to endure this.. is it worth it?
of all people.. why am i having this this difficult..
i dont mean to brag but i never, never tell any major lie to my parents.. whenever i go out they'll know exactly where i am, with whom, by wat, wat for.. since i was allowed to go out till now.. till now.. and never did i lie to them about it...
when i fall for someone, or i have a crush on someone.. my mom would be among the first to be informed
i even tell them when i fall out of love.. or ended a relationship.. whenever i'm hurt by a guy
i asked their permission to stay in co-ed house in aust..
i told them about my sleepover at my guyfriend's place in aussie.. when n where n how my clubbing experience goes.. my holiday trips with my guy housemates... everything..
i have a wonderful relationship with my mom.. i never give my siblings silent treatment..we do go out sometimes..
i got them my accounting degree..
i came back from aust promptly.. though i've thought of continuing...
i implement all their plans.. go to good school, dont have bf till u're done with school, get scholarship, go oversea and come back, get a good degree, dont go out on thursday nite or whenever relatives visit..
i even did try going out with shah to see if it would work..
i offered to cook at home sometimes..
i treat them occasionally..
i never miss our family dinners.. and i sit to watch news with them daily..
i even still watch tv with mama under the same blanket.. listening to her stories/updates on her business/our family matters..
and i do this all willingly..
now i still dont think i'm justified to question this.. but why.. is this happening to me now... why cant they accept jazmi?
oklah.. enough enough
i need to go now..
going out with jazmi, hetz n jazlan again..
*sigh......
above all, i had the deepest..most satisfying sleep ever! the last time i had such slumber was ......i cant remember..
i practically woke up smiling..
how do u go about telling your parents that u wanna get married.... dont worry.. it's nowhere soon..
maybe it's one of life's little mysteries.. which vary from person to person.. or is it?
being the eldest in the family is never an advantage in this sense... plus having cousins who marry their first love.. after few months of courting does not really give me much hint. and their guys are mostly too (financially) prepared too..
so, i'm the odd one out.. well beside that one cousin who married a chinese.. which cause quite a stir in her family - not that inter-racial marriage is not common in my family.. but there u go.. i think no parents would jump in joy hearing this sort of news, at least not at first.
(no offence to anyone.. any race)
so i'm the odd one out.. besides her.. but she gets 5000pound sterling for her mas kawin.. and that was few yrs back.. when the exchange rate has already blown out to our disadvantage... and the guy's neuro surgeon.. care to complain??
so i'm the odd one out.. and most of my cousins are getting married, married or even pregnant at this age of mine.. well except for this one.. but i wont count that.. she was an outcast (or maybe she outcasted herself) the moment she reach 25 and still single..
dont tell there's something wrong with my family.. we're all normal ppl.. normal ppl who marry early..
so u see the kind of pressure i'm in now..
papa has stopped bugging me about this kawin2 stuff.. maybe he's aware that if he keeps bugging me than maybe i' could drag jazmi to his face and ask him to marry us there n then.. err.. ying, that's too harsh.. ehehe
but that's the truth.. they kept silent about it because they know i've plans on my own and they're too terrified to listen to it..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if this guy posses a degree and earn more than i do..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if he is just anyone but jazmi..
i wonder if they'd still be silent if this guy is anyone but still NOT shah..
i dunno wat kept them silent..
all i know i'm getting frowns everytime i announce that i'm going out.. everytime my handphone rings..they'll tail my movements..
i know i'm still far from being comfy about me-jazmi around my parents.. especially my dad..
sometimes i ask myself.. y do i have to endure this.. is it worth it?
of all people.. why am i having this this difficult..
i dont mean to brag but i never, never tell any major lie to my parents.. whenever i go out they'll know exactly where i am, with whom, by wat, wat for.. since i was allowed to go out till now.. till now.. and never did i lie to them about it...
when i fall for someone, or i have a crush on someone.. my mom would be among the first to be informed
i even tell them when i fall out of love.. or ended a relationship.. whenever i'm hurt by a guy
i asked their permission to stay in co-ed house in aust..
i told them about my sleepover at my guyfriend's place in aussie.. when n where n how my clubbing experience goes.. my holiday trips with my guy housemates... everything..
i have a wonderful relationship with my mom.. i never give my siblings silent treatment..we do go out sometimes..
i got them my accounting degree..
i came back from aust promptly.. though i've thought of continuing...
i implement all their plans.. go to good school, dont have bf till u're done with school, get scholarship, go oversea and come back, get a good degree, dont go out on thursday nite or whenever relatives visit..
i even did try going out with shah to see if it would work..
i offered to cook at home sometimes..
i treat them occasionally..
i never miss our family dinners.. and i sit to watch news with them daily..
i even still watch tv with mama under the same blanket.. listening to her stories/updates on her business/our family matters..
and i do this all willingly..
now i still dont think i'm justified to question this.. but why.. is this happening to me now... why cant they accept jazmi?
oklah.. enough enough
i need to go now..
going out with jazmi, hetz n jazlan again..
*sigh......
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
i'm so happy, so happy!
i know this could be just another emotional outburst due to my menses.. but it's surely on the positive side this time
(yes, i'm menstruating.. it's getting more obvious by the day huh, so there.. let this be a declaration)
had lunch with hetz, jazlan, syedo, ben, nabil and JAZMI!
i know i know many are having daily lunch dates with dearest.. no big deal.. but it is to me.. it was meant to be a surprise but since i'm going out with the rest today.. it turn out to be a 'hello, this is my fren, jazmi' session
anyway, i am happy..
later tonight.. will be having dinner with him..again!
yea yea!!
hetz n jazlan ajak kluar.. hetz wants to show off our malaysian style dining.. hence, we're going to uptown.. i know uptown is not exactly epitome of malaysian dining trend nowadays, but u dont know how many times have we mention uptown to the clueless singaporean..
work is also amazing..finished my parts.. in a few days time the my colleague will be hangling over his responsibility to me.. maybe some would sigh to this.. but i'm just anxious about it..
helping a colleague finish her parts now..
i feel so useful today.. ehehe.. after a week of redundancy.. and rounds and rounds of some DOS games..
i'm simply ecstatic!
furthermore, dearest has just completed and solved a 2-yr-old pending paperwork.. more like an end to hundred rounds of revisions..
he's so happy
so i'm even more happy for him
looking fwd to tonight's outing
i know this could be just another emotional outburst due to my menses.. but it's surely on the positive side this time
(yes, i'm menstruating.. it's getting more obvious by the day huh, so there.. let this be a declaration)
had lunch with hetz, jazlan, syedo, ben, nabil and JAZMI!
i know i know many are having daily lunch dates with dearest.. no big deal.. but it is to me.. it was meant to be a surprise but since i'm going out with the rest today.. it turn out to be a 'hello, this is my fren, jazmi' session
anyway, i am happy..
later tonight.. will be having dinner with him..again!
yea yea!!
hetz n jazlan ajak kluar.. hetz wants to show off our malaysian style dining.. hence, we're going to uptown.. i know uptown is not exactly epitome of malaysian dining trend nowadays, but u dont know how many times have we mention uptown to the clueless singaporean..
work is also amazing..finished my parts.. in a few days time the my colleague will be hangling over his responsibility to me.. maybe some would sigh to this.. but i'm just anxious about it..
helping a colleague finish her parts now..
i feel so useful today.. ehehe.. after a week of redundancy.. and rounds and rounds of some DOS games..
i'm simply ecstatic!
furthermore, dearest has just completed and solved a 2-yr-old pending paperwork.. more like an end to hundred rounds of revisions..
he's so happy
so i'm even more happy for him
looking fwd to tonight's outing
legaa..
finished all assignments for the month..
so i'm vulnerable to all sorts of last minutes works that others dont manage to tackle..
but since i'm safe in this little room.. i might just browse a little.. ehehe.. yeah right... a little..
i read someone's blog today.. a guy's attempt to imagine how a period cramp feels like..
how timely..
i was having a bad one yesterday..
it subsided a little this morning, giving me just enough strength to wake up and prepare to work..
if asked how this pain feels like..
my standard answer.. (to my father, brothers, jazmi and win.. and some male frens who're concern enough.. bravo u guys!) will be
it's like having everything in my abdomen contracts and squeeze its way out from my body through that one sore route..
but on a good day it just feels sore.. sore inside.. u know how it feels after u cry.. that sore and heavy eyed feeling.. something like that but now it's happening inside... down there..
why do i even bother describing all these thing...
i dont know.. sharing it with millions pun wont still shoo it away..
the hard fact is that some women do get away with it... as clueless as men, they never experience such thing.. yes, this privilaged women do exist.. one of them is my mom..
so she really kill me whenever she made it sound like i'm exagerating.. like it happens because i dont exercise, eat too much, sleep too much..
but i never envy her.. cos i know she's also haunted by this major monthly back pain.
oh..try this.. migraine + menstrual cramp + killer back ache...
i've experienced it twice..
please.. love your women!
today hetz will be coming for lunch..since her bf is in town and nak meet up
i think this is only the 3rd time i'm going for lunch outside..
bosannya kerja in the heart of all the traffic masses..
looking fwd to this.. cepatlaaa... cepatlaaa..
seriouslyla, after 2 months keje, i think it's better if u're tied down with tons of work than none at all...
time flies when u try to meet deadlines... but the clock seems to tick at later intervals when u dont have anything in your "IN" tray.. and have checked all your emails.. and visited all your favourite blogs.. ehehe
lately, i've been surfing a lot.. way too much to my own good actually..
my favourite msn spot now is the 'house and home'.. yeah yeah, i'm getting more boring.. more domestic.. an old tart huh? ah..hell..
now i have a rough idea of how my home would be.. as homey as possible, as warm as a country cabin.. but no.. i'll skip the country look..
i think lilac is cool.. but lilac and white.. is too bright dont u think? ... too fresh.. made up.. and when the kids arrive.. i dont think it's practical.. at least not in the first few yrs.. (did i just mentioned KIDS??yeah.. i think i do.. and it's plural)
but few days back, i' ve been having repetitive dream.. a dream about my dream home.. it's a bit dark.. and classy and too modern to my liking..
no white plush sofas.. just one big chunk of worn out leather one.. brown color.. very worn out.. very comfy.. in front of a huge flatscreen on the wall just above the small fireplace (fireplace???in malaysia???) it feels sooooo like my home.. in those dreams i had explored the whole area.. it's an apartment.. very high rise i think.. with a cosmo view.. it's always dim.. and it's very spacious.. minimal furnitures..
It's certainly wasnt like wat i want my dream home to be...but it feels sooo me.. welcome to my dreamworld!
the dreams are all different, but they all happen in this house.. and in those dreams, there were only me n jazmi..but that's not the point..
the point is.. that house is soooo mine.
i never saw anything like it before.. not even in movies..
it's kinda fun to have these dreams.. at no cost..again and again.. yet it's getting freaky..
it's as though i'm living this life by the day.. and a different one at night.. cos everything in the dream is soooo clear.. and soo consistent.. and nobody floats.
if these dreams have any meanings.. than i should be scared.. coz jazmi was there too.. u know the general rule of dreams is that they always mean otherwise.. yin & yang.. who studied this lah? ( i would..)
enough of day dreamingla..
i think i better check wat's new on the 'decor n home living' segment.. ahahaha....
finished all assignments for the month..
so i'm vulnerable to all sorts of last minutes works that others dont manage to tackle..
but since i'm safe in this little room.. i might just browse a little.. ehehe.. yeah right... a little..
i read someone's blog today.. a guy's attempt to imagine how a period cramp feels like..
how timely..
i was having a bad one yesterday..
it subsided a little this morning, giving me just enough strength to wake up and prepare to work..
if asked how this pain feels like..
my standard answer.. (to my father, brothers, jazmi and win.. and some male frens who're concern enough.. bravo u guys!) will be
it's like having everything in my abdomen contracts and squeeze its way out from my body through that one sore route..
but on a good day it just feels sore.. sore inside.. u know how it feels after u cry.. that sore and heavy eyed feeling.. something like that but now it's happening inside... down there..
why do i even bother describing all these thing...
i dont know.. sharing it with millions pun wont still shoo it away..
the hard fact is that some women do get away with it... as clueless as men, they never experience such thing.. yes, this privilaged women do exist.. one of them is my mom..
so she really kill me whenever she made it sound like i'm exagerating.. like it happens because i dont exercise, eat too much, sleep too much..
but i never envy her.. cos i know she's also haunted by this major monthly back pain.
oh..try this.. migraine + menstrual cramp + killer back ache...
i've experienced it twice..
please.. love your women!
today hetz will be coming for lunch..since her bf is in town and nak meet up
i think this is only the 3rd time i'm going for lunch outside..
bosannya kerja in the heart of all the traffic masses..
looking fwd to this.. cepatlaaa... cepatlaaa..
seriouslyla, after 2 months keje, i think it's better if u're tied down with tons of work than none at all...
time flies when u try to meet deadlines... but the clock seems to tick at later intervals when u dont have anything in your "IN" tray.. and have checked all your emails.. and visited all your favourite blogs.. ehehe
lately, i've been surfing a lot.. way too much to my own good actually..
my favourite msn spot now is the 'house and home'.. yeah yeah, i'm getting more boring.. more domestic.. an old tart huh? ah..hell..
now i have a rough idea of how my home would be.. as homey as possible, as warm as a country cabin.. but no.. i'll skip the country look..
i think lilac is cool.. but lilac and white.. is too bright dont u think? ... too fresh.. made up.. and when the kids arrive.. i dont think it's practical.. at least not in the first few yrs.. (did i just mentioned KIDS??yeah.. i think i do.. and it's plural)
but few days back, i' ve been having repetitive dream.. a dream about my dream home.. it's a bit dark.. and classy and too modern to my liking..
no white plush sofas.. just one big chunk of worn out leather one.. brown color.. very worn out.. very comfy.. in front of a huge flatscreen on the wall just above the small fireplace (fireplace???in malaysia???) it feels sooooo like my home.. in those dreams i had explored the whole area.. it's an apartment.. very high rise i think.. with a cosmo view.. it's always dim.. and it's very spacious.. minimal furnitures..
It's certainly wasnt like wat i want my dream home to be...but it feels sooo me.. welcome to my dreamworld!
the dreams are all different, but they all happen in this house.. and in those dreams, there were only me n jazmi..but that's not the point..
the point is.. that house is soooo mine.
i never saw anything like it before.. not even in movies..
it's kinda fun to have these dreams.. at no cost..again and again.. yet it's getting freaky..
it's as though i'm living this life by the day.. and a different one at night.. cos everything in the dream is soooo clear.. and soo consistent.. and nobody floats.
if these dreams have any meanings.. than i should be scared.. coz jazmi was there too.. u know the general rule of dreams is that they always mean otherwise.. yin & yang.. who studied this lah? ( i would..)
enough of day dreamingla..
i think i better check wat's new on the 'decor n home living' segment.. ahahaha....
Monday, March 24, 2003
takde takde takde mood sgt today
anyhow, kerja siap jugakla.. there's only one more left for this month's timeplan..
next week a colleague will be leaving this dept.. and effectively, i'll be taking over his portfolio.. i still dont know wat i'm expected to do with those 4, 5 companies under my care.... and worst still i think i will have to shift to my old place, with the rest of the gang.. no more privacy.. now i have to maintain a pleasant face as ppl pass by and at least smile when they crack a joke.. even lousy ones..
i think the luxury of having a room only to share between me n just another colleague has spoilt me.. i'm now an egoistic, selfish, mute introvert..
on another note..
any girls out there interested in getting to know a cool 27 yr old pilot.. he's a dear friend of mine, great sense of humour, tons of personality..
come.. share my joy..
as funny and as desperate as this may look.. i am actually serious.. : )
anyhow, kerja siap jugakla.. there's only one more left for this month's timeplan..
next week a colleague will be leaving this dept.. and effectively, i'll be taking over his portfolio.. i still dont know wat i'm expected to do with those 4, 5 companies under my care.... and worst still i think i will have to shift to my old place, with the rest of the gang.. no more privacy.. now i have to maintain a pleasant face as ppl pass by and at least smile when they crack a joke.. even lousy ones..
i think the luxury of having a room only to share between me n just another colleague has spoilt me.. i'm now an egoistic, selfish, mute introvert..
on another note..
any girls out there interested in getting to know a cool 27 yr old pilot.. he's a dear friend of mine, great sense of humour, tons of personality..
come.. share my joy..
as funny and as desperate as this may look.. i am actually serious.. : )
weekend was fun..
went shopping with jazmi, browsed around megamall MPH, picked up my notebook (at no cost), went out with hetz n ben... and kemas2 bilik..
all in all.. it was a good break and a fruitful one too..
cuma one thing je, i didnt manage to go jogging, woke up late on both days.. so there goes my only 2 hours (at least) of the week's exercise..tension jugak.. but considering i did a lot of walking around in the mall.. i guess i shouldnt be too upset about it..
(but i wanna sweat.. i wanna sweat!)
i'm at a real lost of words now.... i can hear my friends in the background.. IS THAT POSSIBLE???
went shopping with jazmi, browsed around megamall MPH, picked up my notebook (at no cost), went out with hetz n ben... and kemas2 bilik..
all in all.. it was a good break and a fruitful one too..
cuma one thing je, i didnt manage to go jogging, woke up late on both days.. so there goes my only 2 hours (at least) of the week's exercise..tension jugak.. but considering i did a lot of walking around in the mall.. i guess i shouldnt be too upset about it..
(but i wanna sweat.. i wanna sweat!)
i'm at a real lost of words now.... i can hear my friends in the background.. IS THAT POSSIBLE???
Friday, March 21, 2003
feeling a bit feverish today..
actually from last night lagi, but i dunno how i got myself prepared and left home for the office..
i only came to realise that i was not fit for work today once i swipped the attendance card just now.. absent minded me! heh!
yesterday was a dread..
i was sleeping all the way to work, my brain died on me (temporarily).. i was dehydrated, i was having cold, and everything.. it didnt strike me that maybe i shouldnt fast.. told u my brain was malfunctioning..
lots of work to do.. most have passed the deadline.. but i dont think such word exist here.. i mean, not practically.. they'll come up with a timeplan.. precise one to mark who should finish wat when.. but then again..a plan is a plan ..
no, i didnt talk to mama..
yeah, maybe i was taking it too seriously.. i mean she could have meant something else.. or watevala..
of course in wont let them think i'm single for longla... let there be another instance where mama will pop the question again..
i hope it's gonna happen during tok we's visit.. next month..
she has always been asking about me,
unlike mama n papa... she always assume i have someone and none of her relatives have sons that matches me well enough.. so ying, just go ahead, find one urself.. mat salleh, pak arab.. they'll match u well.. (i'm not exagerating, that's wat she said to me before i went Downunder)
Jazmi been working really2 late these days
this morning, he came back (went back actually.. to his home) at 3am..
last few days he was there till midnite..
i know it's his job.. and he's only doing wat needs to be done.. but i feel guilty.. as though i've put him under so much pressure.. to work that extra hours.. earn more money..
he never complains.. in fact all he has to say last night was 'puas hati' and 'i lapar'...and yeah, sorry for not calling often enough now..
either i'm happy he's a fine man for me.. or i feel bad because i dont think i'd measure up to his patience n kindness...
i dont know.. i guess i just dont wanna think now..
me-him happy, is all that counts.. at least now
i've been mentioning jazmi too much... reading Hani's blog has such an impact on me huh?
so this weekend.. i thought of going shopping with jazmi.. ahaha.. for some books for win..
and some kain.. even my little sister noticed i've been wearing the same baju kurung over and over again.. hey, daily baju kurung thing is new to me... so allow me la.. i definitely have to add more to my collection...
and maybe nak get a jacket..
then gi alter my pants... they've 'shrinked'! vertically and horizontally.. (actually i can explain the horizontal expansion.. but vertical?? i cant be growing any taller, can i??)
i hope i wont screw up this weekend again..!
actually from last night lagi, but i dunno how i got myself prepared and left home for the office..
i only came to realise that i was not fit for work today once i swipped the attendance card just now.. absent minded me! heh!
yesterday was a dread..
i was sleeping all the way to work, my brain died on me (temporarily).. i was dehydrated, i was having cold, and everything.. it didnt strike me that maybe i shouldnt fast.. told u my brain was malfunctioning..
lots of work to do.. most have passed the deadline.. but i dont think such word exist here.. i mean, not practically.. they'll come up with a timeplan.. precise one to mark who should finish wat when.. but then again..a plan is a plan ..
no, i didnt talk to mama..
yeah, maybe i was taking it too seriously.. i mean she could have meant something else.. or watevala..
of course in wont let them think i'm single for longla... let there be another instance where mama will pop the question again..
i hope it's gonna happen during tok we's visit.. next month..
she has always been asking about me,
unlike mama n papa... she always assume i have someone and none of her relatives have sons that matches me well enough.. so ying, just go ahead, find one urself.. mat salleh, pak arab.. they'll match u well.. (i'm not exagerating, that's wat she said to me before i went Downunder)
Jazmi been working really2 late these days
this morning, he came back (went back actually.. to his home) at 3am..
last few days he was there till midnite..
i know it's his job.. and he's only doing wat needs to be done.. but i feel guilty.. as though i've put him under so much pressure.. to work that extra hours.. earn more money..
he never complains.. in fact all he has to say last night was 'puas hati' and 'i lapar'...and yeah, sorry for not calling often enough now..
either i'm happy he's a fine man for me.. or i feel bad because i dont think i'd measure up to his patience n kindness...
i dont know.. i guess i just dont wanna think now..
me-him happy, is all that counts.. at least now
i've been mentioning jazmi too much... reading Hani's blog has such an impact on me huh?
so this weekend.. i thought of going shopping with jazmi.. ahaha.. for some books for win..
and some kain.. even my little sister noticed i've been wearing the same baju kurung over and over again.. hey, daily baju kurung thing is new to me... so allow me la.. i definitely have to add more to my collection...
and maybe nak get a jacket..
then gi alter my pants... they've 'shrinked'! vertically and horizontally.. (actually i can explain the horizontal expansion.. but vertical?? i cant be growing any taller, can i??)
i hope i wont screw up this weekend again..!
Thursday, March 20, 2003
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
there was quite a pile of work for me to settle today
but i guess things are still under control.. they've spot my mistakes here n there.. so here comes the relearning part.. *sigh... biasala org baru.. i dont know if i can use that as an airbag anymore considering that i've been at work for at least 2 months..
mama thinks i'm single..
this is worrying me like hell..
it was worrying me the day she casually made a statement about it.. till today.. even more so after hetz pointed out that i should really talk it out with her..
i'd say more about it here, but papa has arrived to pick me up..
i wish i can say 'mama n i had a talk last nite' in tomorrow's entry
but chances are.. i dont think so..
i dont think i'll be able to go through such conversation with her.. no way
i love her a lot
and i like jazmi damn much too..
S.O.S
but i guess things are still under control.. they've spot my mistakes here n there.. so here comes the relearning part.. *sigh... biasala org baru.. i dont know if i can use that as an airbag anymore considering that i've been at work for at least 2 months..
mama thinks i'm single..
this is worrying me like hell..
it was worrying me the day she casually made a statement about it.. till today.. even more so after hetz pointed out that i should really talk it out with her..
i'd say more about it here, but papa has arrived to pick me up..
i wish i can say 'mama n i had a talk last nite' in tomorrow's entry
but chances are.. i dont think so..
i dont think i'll be able to go through such conversation with her.. no way
i love her a lot
and i like jazmi damn much too..
S.O.S
Monday, March 17, 2003
funny!
i was typing the last entry when helmi called..
apologizing for wat happened 2 weeks ago
wat happened 2 weeks ago? i was clueless myself
then i remember
2 weeks ago, on our regular jogging (or..lets-walk-n-sweat-together-tenet) session, jazmi n i noticed a couple, looking very suspicious. the guy look irritatingly familiar.. the girl i havent met, but i knew i know her the moment i spot her.. she's exactly how i imagine her to be.. as her bf had pictured to me
so it was helmi and his girl. that explains the look from the girl.. and why he was looking away all the time, and even went to the extent of avoiding the same path we were on. i thought he look familiar.. and yeah, it was the glasses that kept me from hailing his name..
but somehow i think it was a good chance missed. A good chance of introducing MY jazmi..
"Hi, i'm ying, this is my SPECIAL boyfriend jazmi. (at this point i'll grab his hand - despite the sweat, and look at him lovingly.. wishing he wont frown) How's jogging with YOUR BOYFRIEND? enjoying urself huh? Of course, well have fun then, i WONT DISTURB.. (look at Jazmi) What about another round honeyyy??"
please..i would definitely never introduce jazmi to ppl as my SPECIAL bf in any other cases.. (that's win's title! ehehe)...the only term that apply after 'my bf' would only be 'my husband' that is, if we wed.
No, i'm not affected by this at all.. i mean i'm done with it. I want peace. Why cant i go out with my guypal whom i've known for years just because a few- months-old gf of his detest? maybe it was not advisable when i was single then, but now.. it can be cool going out on a double date? more jogging partners? And from her pretty face (yes, she's pretty if only she would smile..seriously), i think she's a fine person.
So, Ms Helmi, please.. join us sometimes..
p/s : i dont think i would ever intro jazmi or any other person as my 'pakwe' to anyone too... definite no-no
i was typing the last entry when helmi called..
apologizing for wat happened 2 weeks ago
wat happened 2 weeks ago? i was clueless myself
then i remember
2 weeks ago, on our regular jogging (or..lets-walk-n-sweat-together-tenet) session, jazmi n i noticed a couple, looking very suspicious. the guy look irritatingly familiar.. the girl i havent met, but i knew i know her the moment i spot her.. she's exactly how i imagine her to be.. as her bf had pictured to me
so it was helmi and his girl. that explains the look from the girl.. and why he was looking away all the time, and even went to the extent of avoiding the same path we were on. i thought he look familiar.. and yeah, it was the glasses that kept me from hailing his name..
but somehow i think it was a good chance missed. A good chance of introducing MY jazmi..
"Hi, i'm ying, this is my SPECIAL boyfriend jazmi. (at this point i'll grab his hand - despite the sweat, and look at him lovingly.. wishing he wont frown) How's jogging with YOUR BOYFRIEND? enjoying urself huh? Of course, well have fun then, i WONT DISTURB.. (look at Jazmi) What about another round honeyyy??"
please..i would definitely never introduce jazmi to ppl as my SPECIAL bf in any other cases.. (that's win's title! ehehe)...the only term that apply after 'my bf' would only be 'my husband' that is, if we wed.
No, i'm not affected by this at all.. i mean i'm done with it. I want peace. Why cant i go out with my guypal whom i've known for years just because a few- months-old gf of his detest? maybe it was not advisable when i was single then, but now.. it can be cool going out on a double date? more jogging partners? And from her pretty face (yes, she's pretty if only she would smile..seriously), i think she's a fine person.
So, Ms Helmi, please.. join us sometimes..
p/s : i dont think i would ever intro jazmi or any other person as my 'pakwe' to anyone too... definite no-no
many, many, many things has happen in the last 4 days, many things of great concern, at least to me
firstly, a fren of mine confessed his/her (to maintain his/her anonymity) darkest secret to me.. it's a real big one.. though not a shocker, somehow...
let me not elaborate on this, since i would give it away..
it's been a while since i was last trusted with a life n death secret as such (no, i havent screwed up a major secret before), so u can imagine the turmoil it caused myself just not to blurt it out to someone.. 3 days post confession, my fren, not a single soul...
i guess it's simply the fact of knowing that he/she trusted me enough with such a massive matter of his/her life...
to dear fren, thx and u're the same ol shit to me, no matter wat.. be patience and things will straightened up.. : )
to other frens who think they might know wat/who i'm talking about here... NO..it's not wat u think!..ehehe
(macam zaman sekolah rendahla pulak..!)
on another note.. i learnt that the phonebill i left in australia has multiplied furiously over the months simply due to the late payment charges and tax on the total sum.. (yes, the bill item + the late pmt charges). I never thought of clearing things up with this giant telco, since it's not a common practice among asian students, or even european exhange students before leaving the ozieland. (my statement is not based on any formal empirical research though evidence are substantial)
then i received a reminder, followed by a warning, and another, and till last week... a formal legal letter..
ehehe.. should have expect but i found myself panicking somehow..
told u i'm a law abiding person..
so bla bla bla.. yeah i'm going to meet the payment.. which means, no car at least till june.. darn!
this is where i screw my weekend..
i became ms bad-girlfren last saturday.. i was expressing my worries to him while jogging ..err more like brisk walking (or just plain walking?) around the subang lake..everything he does is wrong.. i admit that it was seriously PMS, and i was aware of it even then..really, even he noticed that (he keeps count, u see) but i just could stop.. if he shuts, i'll say he doesnt care.. if he tries to console, i'll say it's easy for him to say.. if he tries to suggest, i'll
say he doesnt understand... but he kept trying .. with a smile.. aaaahhh... now i remember how the smile irritates me that saturday morning, and make me feel like a fool today..eheheh
he was so, so patient with me.. and it made me feel bad to be such a crybaby.. and i scolded him for making me feeling so..
let me just say... i'm soo lucky he didnt dump me that day..eheh
now everything settled, having graduated with a commerce degree with fond interest in mgmt accounting, i dont think it should be too much of a problem to restructure my budget.
sometime i feel i'm too uptight about my financial.. but most of the time i feel that it's necessary, afterall.. i'm in love with 'the writer' not 'the doctor'...
and unless i found a doctor with characteristics of perfect clone to my mr writer now..(or if not better)..i dont mind putting my knowledge in budgeting into good use.
firstly, a fren of mine confessed his/her (to maintain his/her anonymity) darkest secret to me.. it's a real big one.. though not a shocker, somehow...
let me not elaborate on this, since i would give it away..
it's been a while since i was last trusted with a life n death secret as such (no, i havent screwed up a major secret before), so u can imagine the turmoil it caused myself just not to blurt it out to someone.. 3 days post confession, my fren, not a single soul...
i guess it's simply the fact of knowing that he/she trusted me enough with such a massive matter of his/her life...
to dear fren, thx and u're the same ol shit to me, no matter wat.. be patience and things will straightened up.. : )
to other frens who think they might know wat/who i'm talking about here... NO..it's not wat u think!..ehehe
(macam zaman sekolah rendahla pulak..!)
on another note.. i learnt that the phonebill i left in australia has multiplied furiously over the months simply due to the late payment charges and tax on the total sum.. (yes, the bill item + the late pmt charges). I never thought of clearing things up with this giant telco, since it's not a common practice among asian students, or even european exhange students before leaving the ozieland. (my statement is not based on any formal empirical research though evidence are substantial)
then i received a reminder, followed by a warning, and another, and till last week... a formal legal letter..
ehehe.. should have expect but i found myself panicking somehow..
told u i'm a law abiding person..
so bla bla bla.. yeah i'm going to meet the payment.. which means, no car at least till june.. darn!
this is where i screw my weekend..
i became ms bad-girlfren last saturday.. i was expressing my worries to him while jogging ..err more like brisk walking (or just plain walking?) around the subang lake..everything he does is wrong.. i admit that it was seriously PMS, and i was aware of it even then..really, even he noticed that (he keeps count, u see) but i just could stop.. if he shuts, i'll say he doesnt care.. if he tries to console, i'll say it's easy for him to say.. if he tries to suggest, i'll
say he doesnt understand... but he kept trying .. with a smile.. aaaahhh... now i remember how the smile irritates me that saturday morning, and make me feel like a fool today..eheheh
he was so, so patient with me.. and it made me feel bad to be such a crybaby.. and i scolded him for making me feeling so..
let me just say... i'm soo lucky he didnt dump me that day..eheh
now everything settled, having graduated with a commerce degree with fond interest in mgmt accounting, i dont think it should be too much of a problem to restructure my budget.
sometime i feel i'm too uptight about my financial.. but most of the time i feel that it's necessary, afterall.. i'm in love with 'the writer' not 'the doctor'...
and unless i found a doctor with characteristics of perfect clone to my mr writer now..(or if not better)..i dont mind putting my knowledge in budgeting into good use.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
if i dont blog, i wont blog for weeks.. if i do, i'll do it few times a day....
so back here, after being to so many other blogs..
it's refreshing to see so many blogs, maintained in very local english (afterall, blogs are really just for my easy reading), much honesty, by people like me..
like me = non-teens... now, i wouldnt go defining that as old
i'm practically jobless today..and bored of course
no work.. at all..
wait till mr yong's back then i'll take the word 'bored' in a new perspective..
i finally went to hani's site.. after reading the hu-has about it in aiz's entry..
(it's funny how i can casually mention these ppl's name as if they're my highschool buddies)
my, salute to the girl for her honesty.. and it's really worth a visit.. or more..
the fact that she devotes the site truly (mainly) to her honey.. and all the 'i miss the touch of his skin's really give u the extra reason to think that u've arrived to yet another serious blog, with serious writer and a serious issue.. but, in this one, i would wanna stay
reading hers remind me of wat i actually want my blog to be, i guess i'm not gutsy enough.. and thank Lord for that.. else i'll be in trouble the day my bro, cho, checked my history.. stupidstupid me for not deleting them!
which reminds me, they never really revisit... checked theirs to my comfort.
i've been noticing quite a few familiar faces on the net, through these blogs..
this is not good
as far as possible, i would wanna stay anonymous.. (yeah right, after having my bro sneaking up my entries...)
i noticed that girl from my primary school, that guy from uni, that guy from high school..
damn.. why are all of them in this little (i think) ring of bloggers
and the fact that they are all interconnected.. shesshh.. do u really have to get connected with fellow bloggers if u're one?
not that it bothers me, but there seems to be a std unspoken procedure about blogging that i've not been observing.
and one more thing worth noticing,,
discussion about sex nowadays does not evolve around a general subject matter anymore..
the words i, my boyfriend, my sayang, my girl, and SEX are used conveniently in one sentence
i've nothing against this.. no i lied
i do
it does not bother me to learn that most fo my girlfrens are Ms V no more
similarly, it doesnt do me any damage reading a line of a blog somewhere along the line of - we finally did IT..
wat gets to me whenever i read/hear such thing is... i could be in the statistics too.. really, i could.. i wont.. i hope i wont..
this issue is like that day when i learn that gays, arent exactly minority in malaysia..and they too, maintain blogs, openly..
i'm beginning to contradict myself here.. hell do i care!.. no, i really do..
but u nonvirgins and gays out there.. dont worry, it's not that i've something bad against ur existence/condition.. (somehow i made it sound like a desease).. this is purely a selfish mind rant.
so wat if there're too many gays out there? my bros could be one, and i might end up boyless
so wat if majority aren't virgin..? i could be one of them, i could be one of them... and i really, really dont want to..
see, no matter how i say i dont mind these society, as far as i'm concerned, i dont want any of my family members, even myself to be part of it.
that's another selfish need.i need my family and me to be normal. normal, in the sense of in line with our basic religion teachings. in that sense i am still very much of an orthodox. but just me, n my family..
like many other girls.. i dream of having a gay best fren.. 2 in 1 package never fail to impress huh?
why am i even talking about this now..
i dunno.. u see when u're jobless in an office with your own all day internet connection, and a boss on vacation far, far away.. this is wat u get.. a worthless 2 cents.....eehhehe
ok..reality check
win wanted me to browse around for a house in shah alam..never a problem to me.. i love doing these stuff, looking up for something for other ppl..
last few weeks was a car for me
few days back it was IT course for jazmi..
and now a house
i know i never accomplish anything.. except for a few 'maybes'
but it's the search, and the amount of search that i went through that constitute my sense of achievement..it's a triumph
while searching for win's... i wondered into my dreamland.. looking at adverts on mont kiara residentials n stuff..hmm..wishful me
but found myself drawan back to shah alam, subang, bukit jelutong area.. simply to the fact that my parents will be there, win will be there, and if jazmi were to continue his studies, it'll definitely be in shah alam..
geez, from the look of it, i do wanna marry this guy huh? ehehe.. i'll leave that there..
aa..yes, another thing, win need my aid to look for a good personal investment book.. which in a way, automatically instructed me to go to megamall or klcc this coming weekend.. out of my own free will actually.
so this weekend, all of u, weekenders, please stay out of megamall..
i'm going to do some shopping for my working clothes too.. yeah yeah, never ending.. but never started actually.. ehehe
need to get myself a new pair of track pants..
and i'm done..
(wat??)
yeah i'm done considering my soon-to-arrive maxis bill.. thx to maxis interactive, i have a rough gauge of the upcoming amount.. it's not pretty
though win has covered some of his.. i think the bulk of it is still down to the evil of needy-clingy-call-me-every-minute relationship.. so mr (bigpocket) pilot cant (wont) do much to help la..
in the background of my pc monitor, sits a dear coleague so immersed in his work.. which tend to have a daily due date.. hmm..
me being me, i should be feeling bad.. but then again.. think of all the days when i'm forced to my seat by my pile of work..i should really treasure this peaceful moment..
on the other hand, i should stop here
so back here, after being to so many other blogs..
it's refreshing to see so many blogs, maintained in very local english (afterall, blogs are really just for my easy reading), much honesty, by people like me..
like me = non-teens... now, i wouldnt go defining that as old
i'm practically jobless today..and bored of course
no work.. at all..
wait till mr yong's back then i'll take the word 'bored' in a new perspective..
i finally went to hani's site.. after reading the hu-has about it in aiz's entry..
(it's funny how i can casually mention these ppl's name as if they're my highschool buddies)
my, salute to the girl for her honesty.. and it's really worth a visit.. or more..
the fact that she devotes the site truly (mainly) to her honey.. and all the 'i miss the touch of his skin's really give u the extra reason to think that u've arrived to yet another serious blog, with serious writer and a serious issue.. but, in this one, i would wanna stay
reading hers remind me of wat i actually want my blog to be, i guess i'm not gutsy enough.. and thank Lord for that.. else i'll be in trouble the day my bro, cho, checked my history.. stupidstupid me for not deleting them!
which reminds me, they never really revisit... checked theirs to my comfort.
i've been noticing quite a few familiar faces on the net, through these blogs..
this is not good
as far as possible, i would wanna stay anonymous.. (yeah right, after having my bro sneaking up my entries...)
i noticed that girl from my primary school, that guy from uni, that guy from high school..
damn.. why are all of them in this little (i think) ring of bloggers
and the fact that they are all interconnected.. shesshh.. do u really have to get connected with fellow bloggers if u're one?
not that it bothers me, but there seems to be a std unspoken procedure about blogging that i've not been observing.
and one more thing worth noticing,,
discussion about sex nowadays does not evolve around a general subject matter anymore..
the words i, my boyfriend, my sayang, my girl, and SEX are used conveniently in one sentence
i've nothing against this.. no i lied
i do
it does not bother me to learn that most fo my girlfrens are Ms V no more
similarly, it doesnt do me any damage reading a line of a blog somewhere along the line of - we finally did IT..
wat gets to me whenever i read/hear such thing is... i could be in the statistics too.. really, i could.. i wont.. i hope i wont..
this issue is like that day when i learn that gays, arent exactly minority in malaysia..and they too, maintain blogs, openly..
i'm beginning to contradict myself here.. hell do i care!.. no, i really do..
but u nonvirgins and gays out there.. dont worry, it's not that i've something bad against ur existence/condition.. (somehow i made it sound like a desease).. this is purely a selfish mind rant.
so wat if there're too many gays out there? my bros could be one, and i might end up boyless
so wat if majority aren't virgin..? i could be one of them, i could be one of them... and i really, really dont want to..
see, no matter how i say i dont mind these society, as far as i'm concerned, i dont want any of my family members, even myself to be part of it.
that's another selfish need.i need my family and me to be normal. normal, in the sense of in line with our basic religion teachings. in that sense i am still very much of an orthodox. but just me, n my family..
like many other girls.. i dream of having a gay best fren.. 2 in 1 package never fail to impress huh?
why am i even talking about this now..
i dunno.. u see when u're jobless in an office with your own all day internet connection, and a boss on vacation far, far away.. this is wat u get.. a worthless 2 cents.....eehhehe
ok..reality check
win wanted me to browse around for a house in shah alam..never a problem to me.. i love doing these stuff, looking up for something for other ppl..
last few weeks was a car for me
few days back it was IT course for jazmi..
and now a house
i know i never accomplish anything.. except for a few 'maybes'
but it's the search, and the amount of search that i went through that constitute my sense of achievement..it's a triumph
while searching for win's... i wondered into my dreamland.. looking at adverts on mont kiara residentials n stuff..hmm..wishful me
but found myself drawan back to shah alam, subang, bukit jelutong area.. simply to the fact that my parents will be there, win will be there, and if jazmi were to continue his studies, it'll definitely be in shah alam..
geez, from the look of it, i do wanna marry this guy huh? ehehe.. i'll leave that there..
aa..yes, another thing, win need my aid to look for a good personal investment book.. which in a way, automatically instructed me to go to megamall or klcc this coming weekend.. out of my own free will actually.
so this weekend, all of u, weekenders, please stay out of megamall..
i'm going to do some shopping for my working clothes too.. yeah yeah, never ending.. but never started actually.. ehehe
need to get myself a new pair of track pants..
and i'm done..
(wat??)
yeah i'm done considering my soon-to-arrive maxis bill.. thx to maxis interactive, i have a rough gauge of the upcoming amount.. it's not pretty
though win has covered some of his.. i think the bulk of it is still down to the evil of needy-clingy-call-me-every-minute relationship.. so mr (bigpocket) pilot cant (wont) do much to help la..
in the background of my pc monitor, sits a dear coleague so immersed in his work.. which tend to have a daily due date.. hmm..
me being me, i should be feeling bad.. but then again.. think of all the days when i'm forced to my seat by my pile of work..i should really treasure this peaceful moment..
on the other hand, i should stop here
dear ying
u did it again. u went out with shah, had a good time and now feeling very2 guilty towards ever-kind him.
u let yourself being pampered with the ShangriLa buffet spread, picked up and sent home in that flashy white-leather-seat corolla altis..
indulged yourself in coversations about your dreams,, the size of your wedding diamond solitaire.. perfect color for a wedding concept.. the crave for CRV
yes, u even let him believe that he is taller than you.. i know it does not matter to you now if he was even a foot taller.. cos you know it does NOT matter..
but you let yourself loose.. being all witty and cute (yeah right!).. disgusting
you flirted!
u realised u're starting to feel all comfy with him.. you realize that 'cousins' is an understatement for such intimacy
at the exact moment, u know he can be one of your best friend
at the exact moment, u hate him for being able to relate to u so well
and u know u hate that snob
u know u cannot wake next to him for the 50 years.. no way
u know all this but at that moment u just cannot comprehend
you flirted!
then u arrived home.. ur feet is back on the ground..
his face which took the back seat throughout dinner last night, suddenly reappeared.
u feel the sudden urge to call him and be nice... oh please
but no, u think sitting with your parents to share ur dinner-with-dear-cousin experience would do u good..
so wat, ur parents like him more now..
the moment ur mama start asking about him AND you.. u quickly feel that it's a signal... to LEAVE
yes, and u did leave, left them to the idea that there're still hope for a glamorous son-in-law..
deep inside, as u left them smiling, u hope, they'd known u better - a big flirt
now, settled in your bed, in your worn out big tshirt..
feeling all cuddlish..
u dialed his number.. no not shah's, HIS number..
u refused to talk about the date,
he obeyed
and there u go again..
u were extra nice to him last night.. as if he didnt know..
u were not there last night.. wateva he uttered was not as important as wat u were thinking at that time..
u cant help compare between your dearest and you so-called cousin
u know it's unfair, orange and apple
then u feel like shit..
as the stupid evil of 'contemplation' sipped in, u excused urself to bed..
today waking up, u rushed to call him.. bid good morning..
and u feel right.. all over again
ying,
u know u havent changed ur mind .. u know u wont, not for shah
but having a glimpse of luxury that u could otherwise enjoy.. u cant help thinking that maybe you are not geared for hard work towards 'happily ever after' with him
it's not a matter of shah..
it's the sacrifice, the waiting, the feeling of security with him.. the consent from papa n mama..
it's definitely not a bed of roses..
and u know u're not blowing things out of proportion here
that's wat u're worried about
u did it again. u went out with shah, had a good time and now feeling very2 guilty towards ever-kind him.
u let yourself being pampered with the ShangriLa buffet spread, picked up and sent home in that flashy white-leather-seat corolla altis..
indulged yourself in coversations about your dreams,, the size of your wedding diamond solitaire.. perfect color for a wedding concept.. the crave for CRV
yes, u even let him believe that he is taller than you.. i know it does not matter to you now if he was even a foot taller.. cos you know it does NOT matter..
but you let yourself loose.. being all witty and cute (yeah right!).. disgusting
you flirted!
u realised u're starting to feel all comfy with him.. you realize that 'cousins' is an understatement for such intimacy
at the exact moment, u know he can be one of your best friend
at the exact moment, u hate him for being able to relate to u so well
and u know u hate that snob
u know u cannot wake next to him for the 50 years.. no way
u know all this but at that moment u just cannot comprehend
you flirted!
then u arrived home.. ur feet is back on the ground..
his face which took the back seat throughout dinner last night, suddenly reappeared.
u feel the sudden urge to call him and be nice... oh please
but no, u think sitting with your parents to share ur dinner-with-dear-cousin experience would do u good..
so wat, ur parents like him more now..
the moment ur mama start asking about him AND you.. u quickly feel that it's a signal... to LEAVE
yes, and u did leave, left them to the idea that there're still hope for a glamorous son-in-law..
deep inside, as u left them smiling, u hope, they'd known u better - a big flirt
now, settled in your bed, in your worn out big tshirt..
feeling all cuddlish..
u dialed his number.. no not shah's, HIS number..
u refused to talk about the date,
he obeyed
and there u go again..
u were extra nice to him last night.. as if he didnt know..
u were not there last night.. wateva he uttered was not as important as wat u were thinking at that time..
u cant help compare between your dearest and you so-called cousin
u know it's unfair, orange and apple
then u feel like shit..
as the stupid evil of 'contemplation' sipped in, u excused urself to bed..
today waking up, u rushed to call him.. bid good morning..
and u feel right.. all over again
ying,
u know u havent changed ur mind .. u know u wont, not for shah
but having a glimpse of luxury that u could otherwise enjoy.. u cant help thinking that maybe you are not geared for hard work towards 'happily ever after' with him
it's not a matter of shah..
it's the sacrifice, the waiting, the feeling of security with him.. the consent from papa n mama..
it's definitely not a bed of roses..
and u know u're not blowing things out of proportion here
that's wat u're worried about
Monday, March 10, 2003
i hate to start every entry with this.. but here goes
been a while huh?
i cant really say work came between me and updating this blog.
last week has been a very kind..as far as work is concern..
is it normal for me to grow bored of updating this lifeless blog? actually, i dont think i'm really bored of updating..it's just that my life has somehow turned into a set of routines that even i, myself dont find it anymore interesting than a stupid chain email.. in other words.. i think my life is beginning to be too redundant for any sort of documentation.
been a while huh?
i cant really say work came between me and updating this blog.
last week has been a very kind..as far as work is concern..
is it normal for me to grow bored of updating this lifeless blog? actually, i dont think i'm really bored of updating..it's just that my life has somehow turned into a set of routines that even i, myself dont find it anymore interesting than a stupid chain email.. in other words.. i think my life is beginning to be too redundant for any sort of documentation.
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