kenyang gila
my dept just had a makan2, good food, and lots of em.
siap bertapau2 and ada lucky draw lagi ha..

i have a minor problem
my officemates think i'm an angel
so whenever i'm with them, they try to minimise making fun of our boss and usage of profanities.
mind u, their vocab is something worth mentioning. and since my dept is very muhibah, we have them in all language ), even dialect(non-english profanities usually sounds like they need more guts to be pronounced). and these ppl i'm talking about are mothers of 2, or 3. eheh.. yeah, seriously.
i see nothing wrong with that. freedom of speech. and they dont behave like that generally, only when there's sufficient chorum and no one else. see.. that may be a problem, since they think i'm a saint, it's seldom that i see them in full action, which is serious fun. come on la kak.. i can talk about inverted nipples, saggy butt, sex and wat not.. at least i'm not that all goody2 that i cant bear listening to anything along those line.
gee.. i thought only boys grow up wishing they can join the big bad bros ..

can i say this here now
i am very indifferent at the moment. i dont feel much for him now. i thought the trip to langkawi would teach me some lesson and send me crippling back to his direction.. patheticnya bunyi.. but yeah, something like thatla. i thought absence will make my heart grow fonder, but i dont think it did la. listen to me now, mcm cakap abt some bubblegum business je..

u know wat i have towards him now? this growing sense of resentment.
ok, reality check. nope not PMS yet. just cant possibily be.
continue..resentment. i'm always angry at him, though sometimes i just gulp down my anger and smile, i am always constantly angry at him. sometimes i mumble things to myself, things i feel like saying to him. i just wanna hurt him so much. and sometimes i did. but that doesnt lessen any bit of this waves of feeling i'm having now. it's sooo darn easy for him to make me cry, or irritated, or mad and worst, turn me into this rude sarcastic bitch. i snap at him, the way i only wish to do to some ppl i hate very much, but never have the guts to actually do it. i dont know wat causes this. or maybe i know. but i dont want to admit to it cos it'll transfer all the blame into his court. no i dont want to be the immature little girl in this relationship, always putting the blame on him.

i often think of the most outrageous thing to do offlate. i know i've been to hard on myself about this kawin2 thing. ever since papa start tanya abt it, as in the drama line 'bila nak masuk?'. maybe it's the embarrased feeling, the feeling that i havent met their expectation cos this guy tak make a move lagi. maybe rasa frustrated, sbb i've to innitiate and ask him about this and that rather than him taking action on his own. rasa helpless sbb on the other hand i know he meant to do it, and working on it, but a guy with an ego of courselah have to prepare everything. nak jaga anak org. if he just selamba je, then it'll be disrespect to my family, take for granted je.

i know this sounds absurd. but i'm always thinking abt the consequence of us separating now. i'm always putting myself in a position of a single girl. which cant be that bad. everytime i attend function without him, i can always use the 'he got class' excuse. i'm getting use to that already. our goodnite calls has shortened significantly. usually cos i'm always too angry to talk, or he is too sleepy/tired to chat.

is this going somewhere

after much adrenaline rush early this yr, it's quite sad we arrived here now. i keep on hoping that this is a plateau and things will be better after some major thing takes place later. but wat major thing? when? wat do i mean by later?

lately been thinking, how much i've diverted from my wish list. not all wish come true. and those expectation which are not met is really irrelevant as i got to know him. but now, i'm turning to the realistic and practical me, with a pros n cons balance sheet in hand and a numb heart. i even told him that i felt 'tawar', hoping that he'll burst into some drama, marah, merajuk, pujuk or something. hmmm... i'm still here.

nak je mcm ckp dah2 la.. tak laratla.. let's take a break.. kalau ada jodoh, adelah, kalau kejar sgt pun tak guna..