dear ying

u did it again. u went out with shah, had a good time and now feeling very2 guilty towards ever-kind him.
u let yourself being pampered with the ShangriLa buffet spread, picked up and sent home in that flashy white-leather-seat corolla altis..
indulged yourself in coversations about your dreams,, the size of your wedding diamond solitaire.. perfect color for a wedding concept.. the crave for CRV
yes, u even let him believe that he is taller than you.. i know it does not matter to you now if he was even a foot taller.. cos you know it does NOT matter..
but you let yourself loose.. being all witty and cute (yeah right!).. disgusting
you flirted!
u realised u're starting to feel all comfy with him.. you realize that 'cousins' is an understatement for such intimacy
at the exact moment, u know he can be one of your best friend
at the exact moment, u hate him for being able to relate to u so well
and u know u hate that snob
u know u cannot wake next to him for the 50 years.. no way
u know all this but at that moment u just cannot comprehend
you flirted!

then u arrived home.. ur feet is back on the ground..
his face which took the back seat throughout dinner last night, suddenly reappeared.
u feel the sudden urge to call him and be nice... oh please
but no, u think sitting with your parents to share ur dinner-with-dear-cousin experience would do u good..
so wat, ur parents like him more now..
the moment ur mama start asking about him AND you.. u quickly feel that it's a signal... to LEAVE
yes, and u did leave, left them to the idea that there're still hope for a glamorous son-in-law..
deep inside, as u left them smiling, u hope, they'd known u better - a big flirt

now, settled in your bed, in your worn out big tshirt..
feeling all cuddlish..
u dialed his number.. no not shah's, HIS number..
u refused to talk about the date,
he obeyed
and there u go again..
u were extra nice to him last night.. as if he didnt know..
u were not there last night.. wateva he uttered was not as important as wat u were thinking at that time..
u cant help compare between your dearest and you so-called cousin
u know it's unfair, orange and apple
then u feel like shit..
as the stupid evil of 'contemplation' sipped in, u excused urself to bed..

today waking up, u rushed to call him.. bid good morning..
and u feel right.. all over again

ying,
u know u havent changed ur mind .. u know u wont, not for shah
but having a glimpse of luxury that u could otherwise enjoy.. u cant help thinking that maybe you are not geared for hard work towards 'happily ever after' with him
it's not a matter of shah..
it's the sacrifice, the waiting, the feeling of security with him.. the consent from papa n mama..
it's definitely not a bed of roses..
and u know u're not blowing things out of proportion here
that's wat u're worried about