Sunday, 5 January 2003

hi ying

blogger still ada problem, tension betul.. getting convinced that it's just happening to me sebab tgk org lain punya updated je..

anyway, yesterday open house was fine..ramai or dtg, maybe not as many as expected but enough to send us ketar lutut by the end of the day
penat yg amat.. but puas hati
most of my guests turned up and food habis..
jo n bad were the only two brisbanites who came, oh well.. since invitation pun last minute..pepaham jelah.. org kl..

semalam i was in a bad state..
bukan sebab open house pun..
tried msging win.. to no avail.. dah tido kot..
but since dah kronik sangat, tried calling, waited for 5 tones.. then hung up
then i went thru the whole phone number list in my hp..
lagi sedih.. many frens, not many i can count on at the early hour of the morning..
kalau still bangun pun.. i'd be mad to call them and cerita2 about my (so-called) lovelife when i dont think many are aware that i used to have (or capable of having) a boyfren
gila.. takkan nak start cite from a-z, when the story has really passed z...
but i was dying to talk to someone last nite.. sebak gila dah..

then try gi mandi, maybe fresh sikit boleh tido..
oklah...fine, mandi..and yes, fresh..
TAK BOLEH TIDO
i swallowed the hard fact.. balik malaysia pun aku still takde kawan.. as in.. KAWAN
selfishfoolish me start doing the if-only thing..
if only win bukan pilot.. keje mcm org lain, esok sunday, kalau nak menyusahkan pun.. esok dia tak keje...
ni.. ntah bila2.. asyik2 terbang.. (duhh!)
if only on je dgn shah hari tu.. takde hal dah..
if only jazmi bla bla bla..
i guessed hetz would be on the line with jazlan..
yea might be out with riz..

then dgn bangang nye i called jazmi
realyrealy wanna know how he's doing
and so the familiar voice again..
tak tau byk mana kali telan air liur just to avoid crying..
but i cried.. through the whole short conversation..
maybe dia tak tau sebab memang control gila (it was damn hard by the way).. afterall he was at an open house (he was suppose to be at mine earlier..)
but he noticed my voice lain sikit..

when the conversation finally ended, i realised that the call was another selfsih act of mine
it was realy for my sake, i need to know if he's doing fine..
it didnt cross me that he would be affected by the call..
we made a promise not to call and he stick by it.. i didnt
maybe i've just clicked the refresh button to this break up thing..
i think it'll hit him once again, all over again..just like it hit me this morning, now
maybe i think to weak of him.. but i think i made him cry later last night

i could die today, if i dont go out..
but i feel too worthless to even mandi n face the world
afterall it's sunday
going out would only stressed me out
cukupla when i realised all of my guests (well except for 2..but they're guys, so that doesnt count..sexist!) are happily attached to someone..
and this morning mama tanya about them..
so ni dgn ni.. ni nak kawin bila.. oo..ni dah ade boyfren/girlfren..
the only question she didnt ask is what's happening between u n jazmi..
but since she knows that jazmi wasnt here last nite, n i havent been attending to any calls or going out for the last week.. i guessed she'd figured that out
and being a sociology/psychology graduate, i guess she knows when not to rub it in..

thank u God
hetz just called..
merissa n lynn ajak jumpa
sunday pun sundaylah... jam ke, wateva ke..
at least there's a reason for me to go mandi n put on something decent today..

ta!