WARNING : VERY LONG ENTRY WITH NO SENSE AT ALL. DO CONSIDER LEAVING

hi ying..

baru lepas sahur..
ate last nite's dinner..
had dinner with along, non n hetz.. non's bday.. 27.. happy bday warden!
cooked telur bungkus, n sayur goreng.. n non cooked his ayam kicap..
oklah.. kenyang.. puas hati
then later we brought him bday cake.. nyanyi.. makan..(lagi)

went to city.. as planned.. with hetz
been a very good girl..
all i got for myself is that printer cartridge.. and that's it..
from 12-5.. loitering around city.. MYER centre.. wintergarden.. tried this.. tried that..
window shopping sewindow shoppingnya...

God it's hot today..
(wonder wat's waiting in the world hereafter...err...)

revision updates.. none..
well started on JV.. but dont think can finish it tonite..
wateva it is.. by tomorrow should be done with accounting..
since barely half way through with finance..
and it's finance that i'm more concerned about..
monday JV
tues chapt 7 & 8 finance..
wed chapt 9
thurs acc review..
fri paper..
then on can start doing my finc extra quest..COOL..
planning jelah ni..

it's 3.43 am ..suppose to be studying if not sleeping.. but here i am, doing neither..and nothing
hetz putting a nite here.. and she has put her nite quite soundly already
feel weird..(nothing new)
suddenly feel bad about jazmi n me..
somehow feel i should really consider stuff seriously..(well... as if i'm playing games here)
am i really in love with him...or is it just the idea of having him around that i'm in love with..
am i just hanging by till a better person comes around..
JAHATNYAA..

am i really in love with him? though things happened in just a blink of time.. i know i'm not fooling around with him..
cos it was not all bed of roses anyway.. susah nak plan kluar since he doesnt drive.. he works late at times.. which limits our phonecalls n outings too..
i dont think i'm taking advantage of him in terms of material.. we take turns paying bills.. he never get me any expensive gift pun.. and i spend on him sikit jugak..
we were very dependent on each other.. yet mutually exclusive.. phonecalls are a must but none wont kill.. (?..hmm)
how do i know if i love him.. or is it just like any other 'likes' that i've experienced..
well.. till now.. he's the last person i think abt before dozing off..
and the first when i wake up..
whenever something significant happen (no matter wat degree of significance.. more like evrything)
i want him to be the first to know..
this is getting a bit.. err.. karat.. but when i think of my 'little yings'.. i thought of 'jazmi juniors' as well.. (trying to put this as subtle as possible)
when i was away holidaying.. besides family.. i wish he was around ..
it sucks whenever at the beach.. how he loves the beach.. wanna house tepi laut and all.. how i wanna have him around then..
i never stop dreaming of him..
no matter how i tremble whenever i received shah's mail..
or how affected i am by 'the fren' whom i claim i like so much.. jazmi jugak that appear in my dream at night..
been trying to ignore it.. but now it doesnt take much effort to realise that he's 'with me' everyday..
his name is almost in each entry in this journal anyway.. couldnt be more obviouslah!
if it was infatuation, it should be over by now.. obsession? should kill me by now..

why after almost 9 months.. i am worried about it now..
why not when i was replying shah's emailssss
y not when i was so absorbed in my admiration towards mr (i thought) perfect..
maybe sebab wat has happen kot.. mailed shah, talked to him..went out with him.. pressure from papa n mama.. from everyone back home.. still.. tak terbukak hati..
i thought..would it be any different if he was taller.. bigger.. maybe not.. it's him that i'm not attracted to .. not his height or wateva..ntah..i couldnt imagine waking up next to him for the rest of my life.. i can maybe.. but eee.. wat an empty life.. dont get me wrong .. he's ok.. but i'm not..ehhe.. wat else can i say anyway..
now, if win was that shah's height... dah different story jugak kot..(i might not even be stuck here blurting this confusion out..eheheh..let's not include another variable here), so it wasnt really his height..
so.. it's him.. and when compared (wat a word to use) with jazmi.. he is better off in many sense.. family background-familiar n keen...academic-similar...look-he has better look..have to admit..the kind that i'd go for.. (maybe i was wrong afterall..).. job security-confirm... hartabendawangringgit-goes without saying...
then pesal i'm stuck thinking about jazmi when this shah dah ade everything i need..
maybe wants n needs differ here..
maybe i'm not in love with shah full stop.. and i am with jazmi..(?) ..
is it that simple? cannot be..

then there's this mr almost perfect..which has denied me in a perfect way... couldnt ask for better.. : )
been telling jazmi about him.. to his approval.. and keen inquiries..
but then, when i felt bad about this perfect guy telling me about pursuing his perfect girl.. it occurs to me that i might be hurting jazmi the same way..if not worse..
which made me feel even worse.. felt that i've no business complaining about how hurt i am by this guy when i am doing the same thing to jazmi.. whom i claim to still care a lot about ( i really do)
well... i could have been as insensitive as my dearest and didnt realise this.. but i did..
is that a justification for the strong word l.o.v.e? i dont think so.. i dunno wat i'm trying to say here..

i know..
once one starts having doubts about his/her feelings..
then maybe it's not it..
but if it's love.. then are we not allowed to question/doubt it just for the sake of reality check..?

really confused..
and dont want to go on closing one eye to this matter anymore..
i know.. makin lama.. makin teruk.. if it ends on a bitter note..
my instinct says.. this is not meant to be.. leave him before u hurt him even more
my heart says.. u very much so like him an extra lot bit.. and u know that

i say.. i need to sleep.. (another day of 'sleeping on it' wont cause much difference i guess)

good nite..
and the sun is rising outside..

p/s: shaz, hetz... (and those who know my batang hidung)..if u're reading.. u're not.. OK?cool..