dear ying

just finished berbuka
ate some yucky pasta..i made myself.. been gulping down gallons of orange juice.. muak!
the day went fairly ok..
had a good nite sleep.. must be the 2 ponstant (spelling?) pills i took.. (yeah, went to bed with a heavy head)
woke up sneezing non stop, but feeling re-energized...
it has been a while since my last attack of the seriel sneeze..
today i must have sneezed a million time.. i think i managed to irritate my classmates in the tutorial just now..
thought of leaving, but then again.. i dont think i am as annoying as the noisy indian girl, who always have something to say about everything in the class..
if she's allowed to stay, i dont see why i should leave

anyway, finance class finished an hour earlier..
not knowing wat to do while waiting for the next class, i decided to waste my time in the bookstore
time wasting it wasnt..
came across this book.. Alone By Myself by Melanie Woss..
it was described as ' a moving diary of a teenager who lost the battle with depression..'
the couch was occupied by this (selfish) chinese guy who were lying there like nobody's business.. sheesh.. i gave him a stare.. he noticed but didnt make a hint of effort to move his stupid butt off the couch.. no wonder the locals hate us asians so much.. with such attitude.. who wouldnt.. err.. generalisation perhaps..
oh well.. found a chair at the wooden table in the corner of the store..
settle myself there and start digesting Mel Woss writing..
they were simple, honest.. disturbingly honest..
where the hell did she keep her writings before her suicide?
u can really tell it's gonna happen by the way she described it.. 'leap into the world of oblivion when my head smashed to trillions...'
i was so absorbed in the book.. imagining everything she described.. the boyfriend .. her fren's little mouse, her mom, her psyhciatrist..
an hour passed by.. aaahhh..late for class..
as i race to class, i thought of the concept of suicide
cross my mind once..
ok..LIE.. did cross my mind a few times..
dont ask me why.. was foolish then i think.. was.. i hope..

oh yeah,
dreamt of jazmi last nite..
it was soooooooo real
he came to visit me here..
shit.. it was so so real..
his smell, the feel of his skin..
that rugby shirt, my favourite rugby shirt..
dockers pants as usual.. that huge pair of shoes..ehehe
that thick glasses.. the smile..
i was frozen when i first saw him.. was half between smiling and crying..
he was being his usual mr soooo nice..
i cried.. in the dream.. was asking him to go away and not be irritatingly nice to me anymore..
for the first time he scolded me.. a real one.. it felt real at least.. asked me to just keep quite and smile
all i could do is just cry.. at that time somehow i realised it was just a dream.. but i kept crying, refuse to open my eyes.. i can feel the warmth of my pillows by then, realising it was all a dream, but he was still standing in front of me, it was soo real..he gave me a warm friendly hug... i can feel his heartbeat but at the same time i can hear the birds chirping outside my room
and in the dream i cried.. and i cried...
just a second later i woke up with swollen drenched eyes.. at least, if not for anything else.. the tears were real..
now i realised he never left me..

aaahh...
to many things going on in my head now..
inhale exhale, wake up
excell assignment to do